Saturday, December 28, 2002
I need to as Karl and Uncle dick How I feel about this cloning thing.
Oh, wait a second...these folks ain't decent Christian folk, so I reckon I'm against it. (Better double check, just to be sure, though.)
What a bunch of wackos. They think that aliens from space created life on our planet. Everyone knows that it wasn't aliens, it was a big white guy named God who created everything in 7 days. And this group has 40,000 people in it. What a bunch of gubillified morons.
Drewcifer posted this at 6:23 PM.
Friday, December 27, 2002
Holy shit!!
So much has been happening, I haven't found the dern time to update my diary... Lesseee...
AL GORE DONE PUSSIED OUT ON ME! Heheheheh...bet he knows what happens to people who Wellstone me off.
Bring on anybody who wants to run against mje in '04 (shit--need to ask Dick if we're really gonna have elections anymore).
I do think it's "funny" that Howard Dean thinks he has a shot at me.
What else...
Oh, yeah! Fucking Trent Lott had to go and open his big fucking mouth at Strom's party. I shoulda had some Marines go beat his ass good for that. I mean, us Republicans aint racistified or anything, but shit, we do want darkies outta our swimmin pools, just like Strom said way back then. Hell, them Negroes don't want us in their churches either right? Trent could very well have cost us that 5% ghetto vote that we already get. Shit, it took half of my Secret Service people to hold Condi back. Something about, "...I know you don't wanna mess with this plantation housegirl all up on yo' ass..."
Sheesh...even I have sense enough to keep my mouth shut when it comes to them people. Keep quiet about them, and they won't notice how we purge them from the voting records.
By the way, the Birthday of our Almighty Lord and Savior was stuperfendopus! The twins came up to Camp David with me and the Frist...errr...First Lady, along with Marvin, Dot, Niel, Momma, and Poppy. It was better than Thanksgivin'! Poppy, as always went off with the men (Uncle Dick and Rummy) to discuss something important (I think it had something to do with the word "hegemony"-whatever that means...). The women went off to the living room, while our colorful staff cleaned house. That left me free to do some Daddy-twin-daughter-bonding-time. We did us a few shots of Wild Turkey, but then the girls took off. Oh well! Had me a good Christmas anyway...
Drewcifer posted this at 5:18 AM.
Friday, November 29, 2002
Dang, that dadgum Thanksging Dinner was rough!
Poppy spent the whole time in the study with Uncle Dick (I think they were plotting that whole Iraq thing...someone's gonna let me know at some point, I hope). The girls left early without as so much wanting to do a shot with their old man. Laura was too hopped up on Xanex to be any conversation. I got left at the table with Mama and Lynne Cheney talking about Millie's days at the White House. Hell, I even tried calling Jeb, but I'm guessing he's got his own bullshit going on, with that crackhead neice of mine.
Well, Hell...The Cowboys beat the Redskins tonight! Like I always say, Don't mess with Texas!
Drewcifer posted this at 6:39 AM.
Monday, November 25, 2002
The girls are 21 today!
Too bad they're getting rip-roarin' drunk back in Crawford. They're making me go back to Washington to sign bills and pardon a goldurn turkey. I'd love to join them. But hell, at least they can use their real ID's now.
Well, that was one helluva European trip. I gotta admit, though, I'm starting to wonder about my soulmate, Putin. Pootyboy really started to piss me off when I was visitin' with him. He seems to be on the UN's side on the Iraq thing. Fuck the UN! They're the next building to get a plane flown into. (Did I just say that?--Damn Jose Cuervo!) And that Canadian frog-boy Frankie Ducron better watch his fucking mouth. He so much as looks at me funny again and he'll vanish faster than a trailer park in a Texas tornado.
Hell, at least them people in Hungary like me. Them Hungarese treated me like a god, and they were right to do so. I'll get them into NATO, if they provide some cannon fodder in Iraq. Hell yeah, life is good!
Drewcifer posted this at 4:26 PM.
Saturday, November 16, 2002
Pee Wee Herman is a terrorist!
I knew it! I knew there was somthing fishy about him years ago when he got caught pounding his pud in a porno theater. Any idiot knows you gotta watch them snuff films in the privacy of your own mansion.
That's not a bad idea, ya know. Think I'll send the Secret Service down to MVC Late Night Video to get me a couple stroke flicks, 'specially since the first lady's got me sleeping on the couch again (Jesus H. Christ, what's wrong with pinching Condi's titties after a cabinet meeting, anyway?). I'll have them pick up Nikki Knokker's Giant Gang-Bang 4, and maybe Cumly Vixens in Heat 8.
Who needs the old lady anyway, when you have a bottle of Boone's Farm and the Secret service to do your bidding!
Drewcifer posted this at 6:42 PM.
Friday, November 15, 2002
Shit!
Osama's making noise again. I thought we shut that camel-fucker up. At least I was able to use it to my advantage, and start a new round of "non-specific threats". Condi did a great job talking about the "Spectacular Attacks" that we face. Good work. I'll let her keep her job. As long as the American people are afraid, then I'll have no problem doing whatever the hell I want.
I'm gonna enjoy this weekend all I can, cuz I gotta jet off next week and make appearances with a buncha Eurotrash. I thought that's what I had Colin for.
Drewcifer posted this at 9:31 PM.
Wednesday, November 13, 2002
What would jesus Drive?
What the hell kind of question is that? These damn hippie communists called Enviromental Evangelical Network sure as hell ain't Christians , like they're claiming to be. Any good Christian knows better than to question authority (unless, of course, it's Clinton).
I'll tell ya what Jesus would drive: It'd be a big ol'Chevy Suburban, with a gun-rack in the back, a rebel flag in the window and a bumper sticker that says, "Don't Mess With Texas"! And that bad boy SUV would be powered with sweet Iraqi oil!
And while I'm on the subject of Iraq...Saddaam thinks he can pussy out on me? I'm gonna get my war, goddamn it! I got a nucular missle with his name on it, and unlike my daddy, I ain't afraid to use it! He thinks he can avoid me? We'll see about that, Saddaam. I'm coming for you, you sick coward, and there ain't nothing you, or the American people, or the UN can do about it!
Drewcifer posted this at 5:35 PM.
Wednesday, November 06, 2002
I'M THE KING!!!!
Fuck you Saddaam!
Fuck you Daschale!
Fuck you Geppy!
Fuck you, Abortionists!
Fuck you, women!
Fuck you, blacks!
Go straight to Hell, Homo's!
Fuck you ANWR!
Burn that Bill of Rights ('cept of course for that Second Amendment)!
Fuck you, liberal hippie anti-war geeks!
Kiss your 401(k) goodbye!
Lesson learned, here: Take out a senate candidate, you gotta git his wife, too! Then again, that old bitty Carnahan got showed the door this go 'round. Speaking of old bitties and planes, wonder when Landrieu is gonna be flying again?
No 9-11 investigation, now! Whew!
Now, if y'all can excuse me, I got a war to start...
Drewcifer posted this at 4:26 PM.
Whho-Hooo!
I'm kickin' ass! Kickin' major league asshole ass! Yee-haaa!
Ol' Jebby did it again! Heh...and people buy this touch-screen balloting thing. Floridese people are dumber than my wife...
Now for a shot of some good ol' fashion Texas Moonshine, and a quick line of coke! Tomorrow, I get crowned! (I think...)
Drewcifer posted this at 1:22 AM.
Saturday, November 02, 2002
Who the hell is this asshole?
Anyway, I wanted to go kick back at my ranch this weekend, but they tell me I gotta go campaignin'. Oh well. At least it gets me out of DC, which everybody knows stands fer Dirty City.
Went down to Georgia to promote Saxby over that America-hating amputee cripple Max Cleland. We're gonna show him and other unpatriotic sonsabitches the door this coming Tuesday.
I like goin' to Tennesee, but I didn't like the idea of stumpin' for Lamar Alexander. That piece of crap debated everything I said during the Republican Primaries. Why did Fred Thompson hafta go to do that dang TV show.
So anyway, I head down to Florida to hang with Jebby, only to find that that closet-homo Clinton is also down here speaking for Bill McBride. Well, let Clinton waste his breath like he did for eight Godless years. Jeb's gonna win, just like I won this state back in '00. Jeb says he's got some "devious" plans. My only regret is that it were'nt that transvestitute Reno he was humiliating.
Drewcifer posted this at 2:38 PM.
Friday, November 01, 2002
Whew! That was one helluva Halloween party! I'm still hungover!
I had a Napolean costume on ('course everyone knows damn well that my cocks a lot bigger--everything is bigger in Texas!). The first lady was dressed like Marie Antwanette or somthin' like that. She said it was pre-beheadddedment, whatever that means. Jenna was wearing a dominatrix outfit, and Babs was lookin' like a Catholic school girl. Uncle Dick even got into the act, dressing up like Mr. Clean. Rummy scared the crap outta all of us when he showed up dressed like Saddaam. Hell, they even wheeled in Strom Thurmond's old bones, dressed as L'il Bo Peep! My favorite costume was Condi's. She was dressed up as Aunt Jemima.
Tell ya what, I aint never seen Uncle Dick drink so much tequila in one sitting like that in my life! We were all playing Quarters, and whenever someone got it in the glass, they'd make Dick drink it. Not sure who swallowed the worm though. It might've been Hastert.
I gotta tell you though, I'm so proud of the twins for hanging in there as long as they did. They're definitely Daddy's girls. Unlike their mom, who had three glasses of Chardonnay, then started screaming at me while I was doing them funnels with Ashcroft. Last thing I heard her say before she stomped upstairs was, "I hope you have another pretzel incident!" To hell with that ol' Battleaxe, anyway.
Things nearly got out of control when Daschale and that sissy faggot John Edwards tried crashing the party. I had the Secret Service rough them up real good. Now let them try to challenge me in '04!
Reckon I'll head to Crawford for the weekend. Maybe on Monday, I'll head up to Minnysilly and campaign for what's his name. And while I'm there, I'll hock a snuff-filled, Texas-sized loogie on Wellstone's grave.
Drewcifer posted this at 9:32 PM.
Thursday, October 31, 2002
My approval ratings are down? Ratings, schmatings. I'm still the President, and these pollsterfiers can stick their approval ratings up their lilly-white Muslamic assholes.
Oh well...At least we're gonna have us one swingin' Halloween party.
Drewcifer posted this at 5:50 PM.
Tuesday, October 29, 2002
These mid-term elections are drivin' me crazy.
First, that mobsterfied Torricelli drops out and them Soprano watching Dem'crats in Jersey bring in that old quitter Lautenburg. And them idiots are vote this old geezer back in! Tell ya what...Daddy shoulda had Neil become Governor up there. Then we'da had this thing licked.
Then we get Wellstone takin' care of (heheheh...) and they haul out Mondale's ol' bones outta the crypt.
Who's suppoed to do all the thinkin' around here?
At least Jeb aint gonna have a problem. McBride leadin' in the polls? Let him think he's got a shot! Any liberal asshole should know better than to mess with the Bush family. Especially in Florida!
Just like you don't mess with Texas!
Drewcifer posted this at 10:54 PM.
Mondale?
Them sick bastards in Minnysoda wanna have Mondale run in wellstone's place? Doesn't make a lick of sense to me. Daddy says he and that senile old man put him outta business years ago. Somethin' like 49 states voted against him? I really don't remember. I spent most of them years in a cocaine-filled haze. Last I heard, he was the Ambassadorial guy in Japan. Hangin' out with them slanty-eyed, sushi-eatin' people that Daddy puked all over. Wish he had still been there when I took office, 'cuz I'da booted his sissy-pants Democratic ass back to Millersoter faster than a dog shot in the ass on my ranch.
Can't say I care too much for that State anyhoo. They didn't vote fer me in 2000 (well hell, neither did the rest of the country, but I aint goin' there). And they actually voted fer that rassler for Governer. That boy needs to get outta the Governer's Mansion and get his ass in the trailer park with Hacksaw Jim Duggan and drank some brewskies...
Hey, that ain't a bad idea!
Drewcifer posted this at 1:55 AM.
Sunday, October 27, 2002
Gonna have to make a phone call tonight, cuz it's Game 7 of the World Series. Karl says I can't have too many beers until after I call the winner. He says I can't be slurrifying cuz everyone in Amerrca will be hearing me. I guess I need to figger out what I'm gonna say...
"Congtulations to y'all. This Series capture the 'ttention of all of Amerrca. Y'all kicked the Giants/Angels asses like what I'm gonna do to Saddaam!"
Yeah! That's what I'll say!
Speaking of Saddam...
I been tellin' everyone 'bout how Saddaam gasses his own people, and that's why we're gonna whuup up on him and take his oil. Now I find out my soulmate Putin really done ackcherlly did it. What am I supposed to do now? I can't go to war with Russia (at least that's what Daddy told me). I mean I saw the man's soul fer dangssakes.
Screw Karl...I'm gonna have a shot of Dewars anyway...
Drewcifer posted this at 9:07 PM.
Saturday, October 26, 2002
Just kickin' back today. havin' some Tecate, eatin' pretzels and watchin' some college football. Go Longhorns! Makes me miss mah days as a cheerleader back at Yale. Man, them were the days.
Come Monday, ah think I'm gonna talk to Karl and O'Neill about this Where's George thing. Looks like a buncha damn hippiefied liberals stampin' these dollar bills with the website WheresGeorge.com on 'em. Shoot, anyone with half a brain knows that when I'm not in Crawford or camp David, ah'm on the road raisin' money for decent, God-fearing Republicans. Ah think a better website would be Where'sDick.com. Hehehehe...Sometimes ah just crack mahself up.
Drewcifer posted this at 3:19 PM.
Friday, October 25, 2002
Well, dang. Uncle Dick says that everything that happens in America comes down on me in one way or 'nother. Anything good, ah get to take credit fer, and anything bad ah get to blame on Clinton. Whoo hoo! Daddy was right about gettin' these people in mah administration. Karl's kickin' ass fer me!
That sniper that was runnin' around killing them people (Clinton's fault) finally got caught (Thanks to me!). Kinda sucks, cuz I gotta give Cheif Moose a Madal or somethin'. Maybe I'll appoint him to something like deputy of Homeland Security or somethin'. Dang. Now what are we gonna do around here? The anthrax mailer quit and is hiding, so I'm gonna need a distraction before election day. Gonna have to ask Karl and Uncle Dick about that. Can't let them abortion lovin', Jesus hating Democrats win anything.
Meanwhile, a buncha Aussies were killed in Bali. Now maybe I can get that country fulla British prisoners to side with me on Iraq. And maybe they'll send me a lifetime supply of that sweet tasting Fosters! If they do, ah hope they don't tell Laura. She's all mad at me fer them shots of Southern Comfort I did with Jenna the other night. Maybe I'll sweet talk her tonight, and get some First Lady pie at Camp David this weekend
Drewcifer posted this at 9:13 PM.
