Friday, November 29, 2002

 
Dang, that dadgum Thanksging Dinner was rough!

Poppy spent the whole time in the study with Uncle Dick (I think they were plotting that whole Iraq thing...someone's gonna let me know at some point, I hope). The girls left early without as so much wanting to do a shot with their old man. Laura was too hopped up on Xanex to be any conversation. I got left at the table with Mama and Lynne Cheney talking about Millie's days at the White House. Hell, I even tried calling Jeb, but I'm guessing he's got his own bullshit going on, with that crackhead neice of mine.

Well, Hell...The Cowboys beat the Redskins tonight! Like I always say, Don't mess with Texas!
Drewcifer posted this at 6:39 AM.

Monday, November 25, 2002

 
The girls are 21 today!

Too bad they're getting rip-roarin' drunk back in Crawford. They're making me go back to Washington to sign bills and pardon a goldurn turkey. I'd love to join them. But hell, at least they can use their real ID's now.

Well, that was one helluva European trip. I gotta admit, though, I'm starting to wonder about my soulmate, Putin. Pootyboy really started to piss me off when I was visitin' with him. He seems to be on the UN's side on the Iraq thing. Fuck the UN! They're the next building to get a plane flown into. (Did I just say that?--Damn Jose Cuervo!) And that Canadian frog-boy Frankie Ducron better watch his fucking mouth. He so much as looks at me funny again and he'll vanish faster than a trailer park in a Texas tornado.

Hell, at least them people in Hungary like me. Them Hungarese treated me like a god, and they were right to do so. I'll get them into NATO, if they provide some cannon fodder in Iraq. Hell yeah, life is good!

Drewcifer posted this at 4:26 PM.

Saturday, November 16, 2002

 
Pee Wee Herman is a terrorist!

I knew it! I knew there was somthing fishy about him years ago when he got caught pounding his pud in a porno theater. Any idiot knows you gotta watch them snuff films in the privacy of your own mansion.

That's not a bad idea, ya know. Think I'll send the Secret Service down to MVC Late Night Video to get me a couple stroke flicks, 'specially since the first lady's got me sleeping on the couch again (Jesus H. Christ, what's wrong with pinching Condi's titties after a cabinet meeting, anyway?). I'll have them pick up Nikki Knokker's Giant Gang-Bang 4, and maybe Cumly Vixens in Heat 8.

Who needs the old lady anyway, when you have a bottle of Boone's Farm and the Secret service to do your bidding!
Drewcifer posted this at 6:42 PM.

Friday, November 15, 2002

 
Shit!

Osama's making noise again. I thought we shut that camel-fucker up. At least I was able to use it to my advantage, and start a new round of "non-specific threats". Condi did a great job talking about the "Spectacular Attacks" that we face. Good work. I'll let her keep her job. As long as the American people are afraid, then I'll have no problem doing whatever the hell I want.

I'm gonna enjoy this weekend all I can, cuz I gotta jet off next week and make appearances with a buncha Eurotrash. I thought that's what I had Colin for.
Drewcifer posted this at 9:31 PM.

Wednesday, November 13, 2002

 
What would jesus Drive?

What the hell kind of question is that? These damn hippie communists called Enviromental Evangelical Network sure as hell ain't Christians , like they're claiming to be. Any good Christian knows better than to question authority (unless, of course, it's Clinton).

I'll tell ya what Jesus would drive: It'd be a big ol'Chevy Suburban, with a gun-rack in the back, a rebel flag in the window and a bumper sticker that says, "Don't Mess With Texas"! And that bad boy SUV would be powered with sweet Iraqi oil!

And while I'm on the subject of Iraq...Saddaam thinks he can pussy out on me? I'm gonna get my war, goddamn it! I got a nucular missle with his name on it, and unlike my daddy, I ain't afraid to use it! He thinks he can avoid me? We'll see about that, Saddaam. I'm coming for you, you sick coward, and there ain't nothing you, or the American people, or the UN can do about it!
Drewcifer posted this at 5:35 PM.

Wednesday, November 06, 2002

 
I'M THE KING!!!!

Fuck you Saddaam!
Fuck you Daschale!
Fuck you Geppy!
Fuck you, Abortionists!
Fuck you, women!
Fuck you, blacks!
Go straight to Hell, Homo's!
Fuck you ANWR!
Burn that Bill of Rights ('cept of course for that Second Amendment)!
Fuck you, liberal hippie anti-war geeks!
Kiss your 401(k) goodbye!

Lesson learned, here: Take out a senate candidate, you gotta git his wife, too! Then again, that old bitty Carnahan got showed the door this go 'round. Speaking of old bitties and planes, wonder when Landrieu is gonna be flying again?

No 9-11 investigation, now! Whew!

Now, if y'all can excuse me, I got a war to start...
Drewcifer posted this at 4:26 PM.

 
Whho-Hooo!

I'm kickin' ass! Kickin' major league asshole ass! Yee-haaa!

Ol' Jebby did it again! Heh...and people buy this touch-screen balloting thing. Floridese people are dumber than my wife...

Now for a shot of some good ol' fashion Texas Moonshine, and a quick line of coke! Tomorrow, I get crowned! (I think...)



Drewcifer posted this at 1:22 AM.

Saturday, November 02, 2002

 
Who the hell is this asshole?

Anyway, I wanted to go kick back at my ranch this weekend, but they tell me I gotta go campaignin'. Oh well. At least it gets me out of DC, which everybody knows stands fer Dirty City.

Went down to Georgia to promote Saxby over that America-hating amputee cripple Max Cleland. We're gonna show him and other unpatriotic sonsabitches the door this coming Tuesday.

I like goin' to Tennesee, but I didn't like the idea of stumpin' for Lamar Alexander. That piece of crap debated everything I said during the Republican Primaries. Why did Fred Thompson hafta go to do that dang TV show.

So anyway, I head down to Florida to hang with Jebby, only to find that that closet-homo Clinton is also down here speaking for Bill McBride. Well, let Clinton waste his breath like he did for eight Godless years. Jeb's gonna win, just like I won this state back in '00. Jeb says he's got some "devious" plans. My only regret is that it were'nt that transvestitute Reno he was humiliating.
Drewcifer posted this at 2:38 PM.

Friday, November 01, 2002

 
Whew! That was one helluva Halloween party! I'm still hungover!

I had a Napolean costume on ('course everyone knows damn well that my cocks a lot bigger--everything is bigger in Texas!). The first lady was dressed like Marie Antwanette or somthin' like that. She said it was pre-beheadddedment, whatever that means. Jenna was wearing a dominatrix outfit, and Babs was lookin' like a Catholic school girl. Uncle Dick even got into the act, dressing up like Mr. Clean. Rummy scared the crap outta all of us when he showed up dressed like Saddaam. Hell, they even wheeled in Strom Thurmond's old bones, dressed as L'il Bo Peep! My favorite costume was Condi's. She was dressed up as Aunt Jemima.

Tell ya what, I aint never seen Uncle Dick drink so much tequila in one sitting like that in my life! We were all playing Quarters, and whenever someone got it in the glass, they'd make Dick drink it. Not sure who swallowed the worm though. It might've been Hastert.

I gotta tell you though, I'm so proud of the twins for hanging in there as long as they did. They're definitely Daddy's girls. Unlike their mom, who had three glasses of Chardonnay, then started screaming at me while I was doing them funnels with Ashcroft. Last thing I heard her say before she stomped upstairs was, "I hope you have another pretzel incident!" To hell with that ol' Battleaxe, anyway.

Things nearly got out of control when Daschale and that sissy faggot John Edwards tried crashing the party. I had the Secret Service rough them up real good. Now let them try to challenge me in '04!

Reckon I'll head to Crawford for the weekend. Maybe on Monday, I'll head up to Minnysilly and campaign for what's his name. And while I'm there, I'll hock a snuff-filled, Texas-sized loogie on Wellstone's grave.
Drewcifer posted this at 9:32 PM.