I know what all them cows are mad about. It's all them government regulators in the meat industry. When I get back from my vacation, I'll be sure to get to a little more de-regulifying. That should calm all of them boviners down. I sure as hell aint worried. Then again, when you own your own heifers, what's to worry about?
So anyhoo, back to my ranch for a little R & R. Thank god Hillary didn't want to go off visiting troops again over the holiday, cuz I sure as shit didn't feel like havin' to tromp across the globe again. In fact, I'm going to do a few jello shots and crawl into the First Lady's bed and try to get some annual Christmas lovin'! I'll show her what I mean when I say everything is bigger in Texas! Drewcifer posted this at 1:11 AM.
Tuesday, December 23, 2003
Wesley Clark don't know shit about "Bait n' Switch"
He calls my Iraq war a "Bait 'n switch"? That cowardly fucker doesn't know what the hell a bait 'n switch is. I'll show y'all what a real bait 'n switch is:
First the story about how Sadaam was really captured comes out, so all I do is get Ridge to raise the Terror Threat Alert to Orange. Now everybody is a'runnin' scared, and don't nobody care about Sadaam anymore.
And whatever happens, I come out smellin' like the Yalla Rose of Texas: if there actually is a terrorist attack, I just put Unka Dick in his hidey-hole, line the streets with cops with shooty-guns and play that "strong leader in times of trouble" role that folks just love. And if there ain't a terror attack, then I can always say, "Look how well we pertected y'all! Now donate more cash to the RNC!" It's like that joke Mama used to always tell me: Ever seen an elephant hide in a tree? No? They hide really well then, don't they!
Besides, I just love a little booga booga in time for the holidays. Drewcifer posted this at 10:24 PM.
And all I did was spend the weekend at Camp David! Man that was easy! It doesn't really mean a damn thing in the long run, but it sure makes me and Rummy look good!
Hell, Howard Dean can just lick my Texas-sized trouser-trout now.
It's not like anyone is effected by the economy anyway. People are so stupid. Besides, unemployment just dropped! 6.0% to 5.9%!!! Yep, I'm the greatest.
Some fellers have told me that this web page aint coming up. Someone told me it's just Ashcroft funning with me. I reckon that it's just a problem with this blogger site, and things'll be working again soon. I'd hate to see blogger.com end up to be a miserable failure...
Anyway, congress is on their break, which I guess means I can take a break too, right? I've been at this job almost three years and I tell ya, this 20 hour work week is exhausting. I'd like to see a lesser man pull off this kind of schedule. Hell, I only get eight weeks off a year. Drewcifer posted this at 4:00 AM.
Monday, December 01, 2003
The Media gobbling up my layover at the Bagdhad Airport like a colored welfare recipient on a ham sammich! Everyone has so much positive stuff to say about it! My ratings are going up again, and people love me! Thank the Good Lord up above that I brought the boys from Fox News along.
And it sure as hell wasn't a campaign stop. I didn't charge of them dern Gee-eyes $2000 bucks for their plate! Then again, the turkey I served was the one I supposedly pardoned. Fried 'em just like I did back in Texas, I tell ya! Drewcifer posted this at 11:11 PM.
Thursday, November 06, 2003
I'm so damn proud of everything that we've accomplished in Iraq! Drewcifer posted this at 2:26 PM.
Those dumbasses in the Senate did it again!!!
What gullybull morons. 87 Million smackers to give to Halliburton! Wingo! I feel like dancin!
Also, I finally got around to awarding a true American hero over half a million dollars. So what if it's taxpayer money. I'm in charge, and I call the shots!
I hear we lost a helicopter over in Iraq, but that's the col...colatural...clateral...whatever, the licks ya gotta take when you're doing god's work in liberating oil from an opressive regime.
Why the hell did I let Karl talk me into doing a press conference today?
Not only was I jetlagged and hungover from that Asia tour, but I forgot my dang spektercals. Could barely read my notes. I dang near looked like a Miserable Failure.
I know dern ferking well that I'm not a Miserable Failure.
Pickles....ummm...I mean Laura always tells me that I'm not a Miserable Failure.
Mama and Poppy would never call me a Miserable Failure.
Hell, screw it...Howard Dean can have this fucking job....
Women Can't Be Trusted to Make Decisions About Their Own Bodies
I've said it all along. It's about dang time the Senate did something about it. Finally, partialified birth abortion is illegal! What's got me all tickled pink is how many Sissycrats voted YEA . Hell, even a few Women-folk Senators voted yea. Next on the list: Ban them women from the Senate!
Actually, the secret behind the whole vote (I can write it here since no one actually reads this) was a memo Rove sent out asking all the Democrats what their flight plans were. That's all it took. Heehee!
I can't believe that John Edwards didn't even have the gonards to vote. Dang I sure as shit hope he gets the nomination in '04. What a pussy.
Laura's off doing something or other in Europe, the twins are back in school, and I have the whole upstairs to myself!! I got me a case of Lone Star Ale and my X-Box. I'm going to play some fighter pilot games and relive the good times!
Nothing like a Sunday relaxin' at Camp David watching the Cowboysand eating some pretzels. Nobody tell Laura, but I've been snaking some of her Irish Whiskey to mix in my iced coffee.
Speaking of Whiskey, I got Rummy keeping an eye on these folks. Whiskey of Mass Destruction aint Weapons of Mass Destuction, but what the hell. A WMD is still a dang ol' WMD.
Ashcroft and Ridge wanna send this survey out to everyone in America. I'm all for it. That way, I'll know who to have purged from the voter rolls next year. I already know to have the Military cut out.
And people call me a religious nut...
Good troops! Since there aren't any WMD's in Iraq, we should all be doing God's work. Drewcifer posted this at 3:09 AM.
Meanwhile, all in the same week, Whitman, Marin, and Fleischer all done quit on me.
Uncle Dick tells me they're just not good enough for us. But I just got this nagging voice in the back of my head that keeps saying,"Like rats from a sinking ship..."
Whatever the hell that means... Drewcifer posted this at 6:46 AM.
Well, I tell you what...I been drinking me some Jack and Cokes, the First Lady is snoring hard, so what the hell? I'm gonna answer them right here for all the dang world to see. (I'll show this to Karl and Uncle Dick in the morning, and won't they be proud of me fer doing this on my own!)
(Whoo, this is a long list...better pour myself a double for this one...)
Here we go:
#1-- Why did the lucrative school testing contracts, which are the main part funded from the "no child left behind" bill, get passed along to your cronies?
Simple answer there...my "cronies" voted for me and contributed to my campaign. That's a no-brainer!
#2--How many Enron executives have gone to jail?
You don't have to ask me...none...and as long as I'm in charge, none of them will!
#3--Recently, a Fox News reporter was fired for refusing to report a lie. She sued for wrongful termination, but on appeal, the courts held that the United States has no law that requires news to be true. Do you support this opinion?
Simply put, the news is whatever Uncle Dick, Karl, and Poppy tell them reporters what it is. Besides, FOX News is on our payroll, and they damn well better fire an employee who says something contrarified to what we want reported!
#4--Mr. Bush has had several skin lesions removed from his face. Why is it, then, that he does not support environmental legislation that would help reduce skin cancer?
Shit...between that ozone layer being ripped off (Clinton's fault) and my wife's chain smoking, there ain't a whole lot I can do. As the President, I have the best healthcare available to man, so I'm not worried about a damn thing! Shit, by the time the Earth incinerates, I'll be long in my grave! In the meantime though, I gotta lot of profits to make before I die.
#5--To what extent does this administration appreciate and follow the lessons in...
Mein Kampf?
I remember seeing that title in one of those sillybusses things back in Yale...If I remember correctly, I bought a term paper from a Skull& Bones brother of mine on that and turned it in. I don't even know what it's about. Is it about Russia?
#6--Does Mr. Bush believe that certain parts of the Constitution are outdated?
It would be a lot easier if I were a dictator.
#7--Why did George Bush Sr. give clemency to known terrorist Orlando Bosch, who admits to setting at least 40 bombs and blew up an airliner carrying 73 passengers?
Beats me...ask Poppy about that...Besides...wasn't Bosch a great painter or something?
#8--Can you please explain why Mr. Bush thought an embezzler was an appropriate choice for a leadership position in Iraq?
Chalabi? What's wrong with him? Look at the current US Government! (What a stupid question...)
#9--As you'll recall H.R. Haldeman ended up getting indicted; John Mitchell, who held the position now held by John Ashcroft, went to jail. Do Andrew Card and John Ashcroft fear for their own rectal virginity?
The only thing John Ashcroft fears is them evil calico cats and statues with nekkid boobies. Andy Card ain't worried about his own rectal virginity.
#10--Where are the WMD you promised us? (State of the Union speech, Jan. 2003: "25,000 liters of anthrax ... 38,000 liters of botulinum toxin ... materials to produce as much as 500 tons of sarin, mustard and VX nerve agent ... upwards of 30,000 munitions capable of delivering chemical agents ... several mobile biological weapons labs ... thousands of Iraqi security personnel ... at work hiding documents and materials from the U.N. inspectors."
Shit, my drink is empty...Lemme go refill...BRB...
There was some sort of snowstorm...the only safe place at the time was Mexico...
#12--Why did you shoot journalists in Iraq?
Towel-headed Al-Jazeera journalists aren't on my payroll. Poppy calls it collateral damage.
#13--Who short sold United and American right before 9-11?
Heh...some fucking smart people, if you ask me!
#14--After Andrew Card notified you on 9-11 that America was under attack, why did you spend almost 20 minutes reading a story about a pet goat? Documentation on this
Hey, now! That was a great story! I mean that whole thing about the goat was some fine literature! Did you read that book? I suspect not...I'm a lover of the literarily-type arts! I'm the edgefication Presid#ent!
#15--What are the plans to balance the social services spending in Iraq vs. in the United States?
Social spending? There ain't gonna be no social spending in Iraq or anywhere else for that matter! And people call me stoopid...
#16--Is it true that the tax cuts are actually a way to force changes in our social services infrastructure, eliminating the safety net and rolling back service to pre-FDR times?
What the fuck is an FDR? Some sort of obscure Government agency? Never heard of it. Better ask Uncle Dick about that...Oh, wait...is FDR like SARS? In that case, I will appoint all resources to combat SARS and FDR.
#17--Three times, you have stated that it would be easier to be a dictator. It's getting easier, don't you agree?
Hell yeah! you think there's going to be a fair election in 2004?
#18--Why did you ask the president of Brazil if there are any blacks there?
I wanted to know if the President of Brazil had the same sort of pain in the ass that I do.
#19--Why did your administration lobby Tom Daschle to drop the investigation of 9-11?
Because he's smart enough to know what happens to Democratic Senators who oppose my administration.
#20--Why haven't you let the public see the 800-page 9-11 investigation report?
The public doesn't have a right to know other than what I tell them. Sadaam did it. Case closed.
#21--Why do you overreact so to a little old lady like Helen Thomas, who has interviewed every president for 40 years?
I though this was 20 questions...what, more? Maybe I need to get another drink...besides, Helen Thomas should take a plane ride...
#22--When Florida was called for Gore, why did Mr. Bush insist that results were going to change?
Ahh..a fresh drink...anyway, that's a real simple answer. I knew damn well that Jeb and Katherine had purged most of the darkies from the voter rolls. Also, I knew some ballot boxes would go missing, and I knew that my ace in the hole was the US Supreme Court. I may be a moron, but my brother ain't!
#23--How do you explain the worldwide animosity America now faces?
Fuck 'em! Anybody else wanna see some Shock and Awe?
#24--Why did you not take steps to protect the museums and nuclear power plants in Iraq?
Duh...Museums and Power plants don't have oil underneath!
#25--If universal healthcare is important for Iraq, why not here?
We need healthy people to work them oil feilds and pipelines. In America, if you can't afford healthcare, it's your own damn fault!
#26--Will you, Mr. Bush, take the tests that you require schoolchildren to pass?
Fuck you! I done grdiated from Yale and Hervard...and I'm the President of the United goldurn States! I don't need to pass no compentant type testes. I are smarter than ennyone else in the dangum werld. I was sent by Jesus Christ almighty to lead the world to Christeeanity. You do not EVER kwestition my orthority!
#27--Why did Bush tell the FBI to back off the bin laden family?
How the hell else was I supposed to further my political career? Besides, my Daddy and the bin Ladens go a long way back
#28--What will you do to make sure elections are properly audited in the next election?
#29--Mr. Bush appears to have trouble slurring his words and has gin blossoms on his face. Has he resumed his substance abuse habits?
Resumed?
#30--Does Mr. Bush resort to the use of look-alikes and doubles in public events?
Please...my audiences are handpicked. During the height of the war, I only spoke in front of militatary audiences and defense contractors. Besides, Laura says ain't nobody as purty as me!
#31--And why hasn't Worldcom been prosecuted for its 9 billion accounting fraud?
I'm not an MCI subscriber.
#32--When Mr. Rumsfeld illustrates his words with a hand like a claw is he trying to remind us of that movie "Liar Liar" with Jim Carey?
Ain't that the guy who does that sitcom about Cleveland? I love that show!
#33--I'd like to ask why Bush and Powell both cited a forged document as evidence of Iraq's alleged nuclear program, even though the C.I.A. told them it was a fake.
I bet you would...
#34--Why did NORAD deviate from Standard Operating Procedure on the morning of 9-11, failing to scramble jets?
Like I said, that was one helluva goat story!
#35--Why did the administration deny that it was drafting a second Domestic Security Enhancement bill (Patriot Act II)?
Cuz it's none of yer goldurned business!! The simple American people have no right to know what's going on!
#36--(Question from the back!) With Homeland Security initiatives like First Responders being under-funded how do you reason that creating more foreign enemies is making us any safer?
More foreign enemies? By the time I'm done, all foreign enemies will either be dead, or under my control!
#37--Why is it that $65 million was invested in investigating Clinton's penis, and $50 million allocated to investigate the Columbia shuttle disaster, yet only $3 million was allocated to investigate 9-11?
Do I fucking have a hand in the budget? (Or do I? Better ask Uncle Dick about that one...)
#38--Why has the Justice Dept. consistently refused to supply information to Congress on how the USA PATRIOT Act is being implemented, especially in light of the fact that passage of the act was conditional upon adequate oversight by Congress?
Because Congress has no right to know anything. If they have a problem, they can go to the Supreme Court! (heh-heh!)
#39--Why is Mr. Bush so anxious to seal records that are nearly 20 years old?
Because Poppy said so!
#40--Why did the President renege on his campaign promise to support the Kyoto Treaty on global warming?
Because Poppy said so!
#41--Where were you, Mr. Bush, between 1972 and 1973 when you were supposed to be in the national guard?(more info)
Ummm...I really don't remember...spent some time in Mexico, Florida, Alabama...you know, youthful indescretions!
#42--How do you justify the budget cuts for veterans benefits at precisely the time you are ramping up the military for permanent war?
They cut my benefits when I deserted...so what?
#43--Is it true that you are recruiting soldiers in Mexico?
Am I?? Better check with Karl on that one.
#44--What exactly did you mean when you referred to 9-11 as "hitting the trifecta?"
Heehee! Ask Bill Bennet about that one!
Seriously...I said I wouldn't touch Social Security unless in the case of war, National disaster, or recession. If that ain't a trifecta, I don't know what is!
#45--Why did the White House start taking Cipro right after 9/11 and why didn't they advise the American people that an attack was imminent?
Ari will field that one in the morning!
#46--Why did anthrax only go to Democrats and media enemies?
I dunno...why do you think Tom daschale is at my every beck and call right now?
#47--Why doesn't the press ask and follow up on these questions?
Refer to #46.
#48--"Just who the hell do you think you are?" in my most scolding tone of voice.
God's appointed leader of the world. You got a problem with that? Refer to # 46 if you do.
#49--Mr. Bush has been reported as saying to a common man in Philadelphia, "who cares what you think?" Is this view of Mr. Bush's reserved for "little" people, or everyone?
Refer to # 46
#50--Mr. Bush*, do you still "not give a damn" where Osama Bin Laden is?
Osama bin Laden does not concern me...
#51--Why have we relegated free speech to designated "First Amendment Zones?" What's wrong with FOX News and the Rush Limbaugh show?
#52--More importantly, why are people rounded up and arrested before protests, held without charges, and then released?
Those people should just be glad they weren't sent to Gitmo!
#53--In 1989, you reportedly said that you are a media creation. Has anything changed?
As a matter of fact, yes! 14 years later I AM THE MEDIA!!!
#54--Why have people started saying "be careful what you say?"
Cuz they know what's good for them!
#55--Why would Mr. Bush rather play golf on lushly watered greens in the desert than talk to citizens at a town meeting?
Becuz, unlike Clinton, I'm a damn good golfer!
#56--Why redact information about 9-11 by classifying it when it is on videotape and has already been printed in the newspaper?
What's that word mean?
#57--Do you feel it is an abuse of power to classify 9-11 documents in order to avoid embarrassment for the administration about evidence that it failed to act?
Yer startin' to bug me...remember #46?
#58--On the morning of 9-11, why was Cheney hustled to a secure location while Bush was not?
It was a damn good goat story...wait a second...I was hustled out of harms way. I went to Alabama, and then Nebraska until it was assured the attacks were over. I mean, I was trying to get out of harm's way!
#59--Why is broadcasting knowingly false news legal in America but illegal in England?
I've seen Englandish TV...all they watch is Monty Python, and some show about Missus Slocumb.
#60--Who exactly was with Cheney in his secret underground government? Rummy? Perle? Wolfowitz? Powell?
None of your damn business. Besides, if I knew, I wouldn't tell you anyway!
#61--What is the LEGAL definition of a "shadow government?"
That's none of your concern. If I say it's legal, than it is.
#62--Is it true that it cost $800,000 to $1 million for the "Top Gun" photo op on the aircraft carrier?
Damn the costs! I looked damn good, didn't I?
#63--What precisely did Bush mean when he promised a "humble foreign policy" while campaigning for president?
Shit...like I remembered what the hell I said during my campaign...
(Inappropriate question): Would you trust the chastity belts for your twins if they had the same locking mechanism as your "lockbox" for Social Security?
No comment.
Where are the WMD?
Syria
Where are the WMD?
Iran
Where are the WMD?
We're ending them into Iraq via C-130 any day now!! Drewcifer posted this at 3:12 AM.
Saturday, May 10, 2003
Every single red-blodded American better run out and buy these products! Otherwise you're with the terrorists! Drewcifer posted this at 5:31 AM.
Tuesday, May 06, 2003
These folks are suing the wrong people...but let 'em go ahead. Drewcifer posted this at 3:53 AM.
Now while I'm doing my victory lap across the US, I don't need them dang little bitchessaying they're ashamed to be from my state. Screw them. I'm ashamed to be from the same state as the Dixie Chicks. Then again, I was born in Connecticut, wasn't I? Better double check with Momma on that one.
And on a final note...I had the time of my life watching the Dems debate (they actually think that there's going to be a fair election in '04...SUCKERS!!!). That Howard Dean fella? He's a dang ol' homo lover. And then there's that little Kennedy-type lawyer boy from Northern Carolina. I ain't gonna even get into Geppy, or Kerrey, or Sharpton...but I do gotta talk to Jeb about that fucker Bob Graham. Jeb needs to arrange a little plane flight for him. Graham likes to claim he's never lost an election in Florida. Screw him! I never lost in Florida either! Thanks to the Supreme Court ordering the votes not to be counted. And if it comes down to it again, the same thing will happen. Drewcifer posted this at 2:48 AM.
Thursday, April 17, 2003
Tim Robbins better watch his ass! I got a Carnahan for him.
And speaking of him and the baseball Hall of Fame...How come I'm not in the Hall of Fame? I fucking owned the Texas Rangers! I traded Sammy Sosa to the Cubs so he could hit some easy homers over the Wrigley Field wall. I'm the greatest thing to happen to Baseball since Ty Cobb! (Now there was a man's man!)
Been so dang busy with the liberafication of Iraq, I plumb fergot about this diary of mine. well, I sure kicked some ass, didn't I? we didn't find any WMD's (and Rummy said he was gonna C-130them in). What the hell...turns out they were in Syria all along! Guess we'll have to go in and kick some Syrias ass! Haha! Get it?
And don't piss me off, Canada...I'm watching y'all! Drewcifer posted this at 2:15 AM.
Tuesday, January 07, 2003
I wish Ashccroft had brought this to my attention sooner.
Yep, we need to round up all them dang calico cats and send them to Gitmo. Drewcifer posted this at 7:51 PM.
